Rock On!/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: Hey, Brent, watcha eatin'? Brent Leroy: I'm not eating, I'm humming. Lacey: Oh, okay. But, for the record, you hum when you eat. Brent: I've had this song stuck in my head all day and I can't remember the name of it. Lacey: I know somethin' good for that. Brent: Ow! How's that supposed to help? Lacey: Oh, no. Wait. No, that's a cure for the hiccups. Sorry. Well, how does the song go? Brent: Oh. Lacey: That's a song? It sounds like a weasel caught in a fan belt. Brent: A weasel in a fan belt sounds completely different. Come on, you know this. Lacey: A gopher, caught in a chainsaw? Brent: Wanda, what's the name of this song? Wanda Dollard: Capital Cash, by Fast Exit. Brent: Yes! Finally! Lacey: Unbelievable. How can you possibly recognize a tune from... Hank Yarbo: Capital Cash, it's your legal stash. You make a million dollars and it's gone in a flash. Brent: Yeah! Hank: Hiccup. Brent: Oh, I know a cure for those. Lacey: So, have ya made a decision about the town plaque? Fitzy Fitzgerald: These Nanaimo bars are delicious. Emma Leroy: Well, they're not exactly Nanaimo bars. Nanaimo bars are from Nanaimo. Lacey: I think a plaque that outlines the town's history is a great idea. Fitzy: Where are these from? Emma: My kitchen. They're Nanaimo style, but made in Saskatchewan. Lacey: Hello? Town plaque. I mean, yes, these bars are delicious. Can we do this? Fitzy: Fine. We've decided who will write the blurb on the town plaque. I know you both wanted to write it, and it was a very difficult and important decision. Sorry, Emma. We're going with Lacey. Lacey: Yes! Oh, yeah! I mean, Emma, I'm sure you would have done a great job. But yes. Emma: It is a heartbreaker. Lacey: Well, I'd better get to work. Oh. Emma: Thanks for getting me outta that. Fitzy: Whatever. As long as we use up our plaque budget. Radio: Oh, Baby Girl, I just want to hold your... Brent: Yeesh! You think he said "girl" enough times? Girl, be my girl, baby, be my girl, I need you girl, ya throw like a girl. Not too sugary. Hank: How does that syrup even pass for music? Whatever happened to rock 'n roll, man? Wanda: Exactly. Brent: You know what's really depressing? Wanda: That I just agreed with Hank about something? Brent: That's peculiar, and unnerving. But what's depressing is when you're listening to the radio and diggin' the tunes and then the DJ says, "You're listening to an All Oldies Weekend." Wanda: That is a boot in the berries. Brent: Berries? Wanda: Metaphorical berries. Hank: Our rock band in high school was better than this crap they're playing now. You know, we shoulda stayed with it. Who knows what our lives would have been like today. Brent: Hey. Hey, you want me to fill it up? Wanda: Hey, Brent. The toilet's plugged again. Hank: I'll get the plunger. Brent: Ah, the road not taken. Wanda: What did we call our band, Thunder Chunks? Hank: Wonder Chunks. Brent: Wonder Face. Brent, Hank and Wanda: Thunderface! Brent: Yeah, Thunderface. We were awesome. Hank: Ho-ho, we were so totally awesome. Brent: Well, maybe not awesome. That word was perhaps overused in the eighties. But we were... Wanda: We were loud! Hank: We were so totally loud. Karen Pelly: The Dewey Macleod concert is sold out in Saskatoon. Davis Quinton: I know. I've been tryin' for two weeks to find tickets. I bet some big corporation bought the last 100. Real fair. Lacey: Dewey Macleod. Country singer? Oscar Leroy: Yeah. You a fan? Lacey: No, I just heard the name Dewey Macleod and took a wild stab. Oscar: Well, I'm not a fan either. Dewey Macleod is a thief and a bum. Davis: He is not. He's a legend. Oscar: Oh. You know that song he does, Earl the Squirrel? He stole that song from me. Davis: An international recording artist stole a song from you? Oscar: Yeah. Karen: Was this before or after you jammed with Hendrix? Oscar: Back in the seventies I wrote a tune called Mona the Monkey. Next thing you know, on the radio there's Earl the Squirrel. Karen: That's not exactly what we in the police business call "hard evidence." Davis: It's not even soft evidence. Oscar: Mona the Monkey, Earl the Squirrel? Lacey: Casper the Ghost, Dennis the Menace. Karen: Tony the Tiger. Davis: Winnie the Pooh. Lacey: Soup of the Day. Oscar: You're all smart. Maybe Tony the Pooh doesn't know when he's bein' ripped off. You ever think about that? Lacey: Maybe just a half a cup for you today. Brent: Let me guess. You're broke? Hank: What makes you say that? Wanda: Because you're staring at the cash the way Hank stares at cash. Oh, my God! You've become your own metaphor. Hank: I'm just a little short this week. Can ya spot me a tenski? Brent: Tenski. You always give it a cute little name, so it won't seem like real money, like that fiveolah I lent him last week. Sorry, Hank. You're a bad riskaroonie. Hank: What am I gonna do for cash? Go pick bottles out of the ditch like some kinda hobo? 'Cause I did that yesterday. Brent: Well, get creative. Show some initiative. Wanda: Like I did. I bought the last 100 tickets to that Dewey Macleod concert. Sold them for twice the price. Brent: Real fair. Hank: That's not a bad way to make money. Brent: It's kind of illegal. Hank: No. I mean bein' a musician. We should get Wonder Face back together again. Brent: Thunderface. And why would we do that? Wanda: It's not the worst idea I've ever heard. Brent: Okay, that's twice you've agreed with Hank. Wanda: Is there some strange planetary line-up today? Lacey: Hey. I got saddled with writing a blurb for the town plaque. Do you guys know how Dog River got its name? Karen: It's Dog River because from way up in the sky the river is shaped like a dog's leg. So the pioneers called it Dog River. Lacey: The pioneers had an aerial view? Karen: Oh, yeah. They built special aerial silos with...okay, I made it up. Davis: Well, it's simple, Lacey. The first Europeans to settle the area called it Dogza Rivia, after their village in the Old Country, some Northern European language. Lacey: Danish? Davis: Ah, no thanks. I had breakfast at home. Lacey: Timmy, don't play your slide whistle in here. Emma: God! It's like living with a racoon. What are you looking for now? Oscar: That song I wrote in the seventies, the one that Dewey Macleod stole from me. Emma: I haven't seen it or any of the other songs you didn't write. Oh, maybe you left it at Paul McCartney's house when you guys didn't write that opera together. Oscar: Fine. But I'm writing this Dewey Macleod a letter. Give him a piece of my mind. He's gonna learn that when you mess with the bull... Emma: You get a letter? Oscar: Just get me a stamp. Hank: Our band would have been better if we showed more discipline. I mean why didn't we practice more? Wanda: You had a 9:00 curfew. Brent: It's hard to pull off the rock star thing when you gotta be home before B.J. and the Bear comes on. Hank: They called it a bear, but it was a monkey. Brent: That's Hollywood for you. All right, if we're gonna do this, we do it right. Hank: How about your garage? We could practice there. Wanda: Aren't you already letting some local kids practice there? Brent: True. I suppose I could give them the boot. Brent: Sorry, kids. You'll have to find somewhere else to practice. Gord Downie: Aw, come on, Brent. Me and the boys are workin' out the lyrics. Brent: Don't tell me what the poets are doin', just amscray. Hank: Yeah, Thunder Bird's takin' over. Brent: Thunderface. Hank: Thunderface is takin' over. Wanda: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Leave your amps. Lacey: Emma, you've lived here your whole life, right? Emma: Thanks for cheering me up. Lacey: How did Dog River get its name? Emma: Oh, I, I think I heard something about that once, but I don't remember. Lacey: Oh. I want to put it on the town plaque. Emma: Oh really? You don't want to bother with that. It's a dull story. Lacey: I thought you said you couldn't remember. Emma: I don't. That's how dull it is. Lacey: Emma, they picked me over you. I can't help that. But let's be adults, okay? Emma: Right. I think I'm still in denial. Lacey: I'm going to go to the library, see if I can figure this out, just for fun. Emma: You don't often hear the words fun and library together. Brent: OK. Here we go. One, two, three, four. Hank: All right! Brent: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Those guys damaged my ceiling when they were practicing. Hank: That was awesome! Wanda: Take away the part that sucks and we're not bad. Brent: Well, they're not gettin' their security deposit back, I can tell you that much. Lacey: Oh, Emma! Davis: There's got to be some tickets left. I'm the hugest Dewey Macleod fan, ever! I have a big poster of him in my bedroom. Well, in my house. Hello? He hung up. Real fair! Karen: Did you mention you were a cop? Oscar: Listen, I pay your taxes. I want you to go to that concert and arrest Dewey Macleod. Karen: Sorry, Oscar. You waited too long to report any malfeasance. Davis: Yeah. Plus it never happened. Karen: Plus copyright infringement is a civil matter. Davis: Plus Saskatoon's out of our jurisdiction. Oscar: Stupid pluses! Karen: You know, it's, uh, kinda too bad Oscar doesn't have a case. Davis: You're siding with him over Dewey? Karen: No. But if Oscar had any shred of evidence, hard or soft, you could go to the concert and "investigate," maybe go back stage and investigate an autograph or two. Oscar: It's about time you came around. Davis: Yeah. I'm not even sure what malfeasance means. Hank: Yea-aah-haa-heaah, heaah-aa-aay-aay-aay-aaa-a aa-aaa-aaah, sa! Yeah! Whoo! That is so totally awesome, to play again, totally awesome! Wanda: Yeah, he's totally saying awesome too much! Brent: I know. Gag me. We sound not bad, but there's still somethin' missing. Hank: I know what's missin'. Brent: For the tenth time, I'm not setting my guitar on fire. Now, somethin's missing from our sound. Think. Wanda: I notice that, statistically, a high percentage of rock bands these days have drummers. Brent: Drummer. That's probably what held us back in high school. Wanda: That and the fact that we blew the principal's eyebrows off. Hank: Yeah. I didn't know how much gunpowder to put in the flash pot. Emma: Hi, Karen. Hi, Davis. Karen: Hi, Emma. Emma: Where's Oscar? Karen: Brent asked him to watch the gas station. Emma: Oh, you're not helping him with this Dewey Macleod crap, are ya? Davis: Oscar has a very strong case. The evidence is quite malfeasance. Karen: Nice try. Lacey: It's good of you to meet with me, Mr. Baker. Mr. Baker: Oh, hello. Lacey: I understand that you have lived in Dog River longer than anyone else. Mr. Baker: I like your hat. Lacey: Oh, I'm not wearing a...oh. Do, do you know how Dog River got it's name? Mr. Baker: You're the second person today to ask that today. Lacey: Really? Mr. Baker: Yeah. A young girl from the Rudy cafe came around earlier asking all kinds of questions. Lacey: Oh. That would be me. I'm Lacey, and I'm here now. Mr. Baker: Do you like sweets? Lacey: Nanaimo bars? So Emma got to you first, did she? Mr. Baker: Oh, no, these aren't from Nanaimo. Lacey: I bet they aren't. Brent: Did you put "drummer" on the audition sign? Hank: I think I put drummer on it. That was totally, so totally awesome, and totally loud, dude! Wanda: Wow, that was absolutely masculine. I mean, um, musical. Brent: OK, well, we already have a guitar player. We're lookin' for drummers. Thanks. Colin James: I also play drums. Brent: Okay, thanks for comin'. Colin James: I have a tour band. Brent: Drive save, then. Boy, they really come out of the woodwork, don't they? Oscar: What's all the racket? I can hear you clear across town. Brent: You can hear us two blocks away? Davis: There you are. Good news, Oscar. We found strong evidence that Dewey Macleod stole your song. Oscar: Good work. Let's see. This is just a picture of me at the Buffalo Days fair in 1975. Brent: Oh, yeah. I forgot about your 'fro, Dad. Sweet. Oscar: It was just a perm. Brent: Really? 'Cause it looks very natural. Oscar: At least I have hair. Brent: No, you have a hat. Karen: See that musician in the background? That's Dewey Macleod doing a show. Proof you two were together in the same room. Oscar: I knew it. Davis: I'm gonna get you some justice, even if I have to sit through his entire concert. Brent: Hey, didn't I ask you to watch the gas station for us? Oscar: Did you mean today? Colin James: Hah-hah! Lacey: Hey, Paul. How did Dog River get its name? Paul: I'm not sure. I know the original Cree name for this area is atim sîpîy. Lacey: Let me guess. It means river of the dog? Paul: Yeah. You speak Cree? Lacey: Nope. Just startin' to get the rhythm of this town. Paul: Ah. Have you seen Hank around? Lacey: No. He's with Brent and Wanda. They're rehearsing. They have some kinda band, Rumble Stuff or Cloudy Puss. Paul: Thunderface? Thunderface is back together? Lacey: Yeah, somethin' like that. Tornado Face? Paul: This is so totally awesome! I loved Thunderface! Lacey: No. You know what? I'm pretty sure it's Rumble Puss. Rumble Puss? Brent: Well, you're the best we've seen so far. Davis: Thanks. I used to be the drummer at a male bonding retreat. We'd sit around... Wanda: All right, Karen! Go Karen, go Karen, go Karen. Hank: Chick drummer. That is hot! Wanda: Whoo! Brent: Enjoy your male bondage thing. Davis: Bond, bonding. Lacey: Hi, Emma. Emma: Oh, hey, Lacey. How's the research goin'? Lacey: It's funny you should ask that. I was just at Mr. Baker's house. Emma: Is he still alive? He must be over a thousand. Anyway, gotta run. Lacey: And then I went to the library and the one book on Dog River had specific pages torn out. Weird, huh? Emma: Ah, probably teenagers, hip-hoppers and gangbusters. Kids these days are nothing but trouble. Teenage Boy: Excuse me, Ma'am. I think this wallet fell out of your coat pocket. Teenage Girl: If you're missing anything else, we could help you look. Emma: Go get a job, ya punk rockers! They looked high, didn't they? I think they were high. Lacey: Oh, Emma, what's going on? Lacey: This is how Dog River got its name? This guy musta really hated dogs. Emma: Well, it's not something we like to brag about. Lacey: Was there a meeting where they said, "Hey, let's name the town after that lunatic farmer who drowned a dozen dogs in the river"? Emma: Yes, actually. But that's a different story. Lacey: Who was this guy, anyway? Eli Burrows. Burrows? Emma: He was your great, great uncle. And I use the term "great" only in the genealogical sense. Lacey: I'm related to this maniac? Emma: Oh, forget about it. Besides, he wasn't really crazy. He just wasn't really crazy about dogs. Lacey: I feel sick. Emma: Nanaimo-style Saskatchewan bar? Brent: Um, I'd just like to start by thanking Paul for inviting us to play here tonight. We haven't played a live gig since, uh... Principle Lumley: 1986. Brent: Ah, thank you, Principal Lumley. Hank: One, two, three, four! Capital Cash, it's your illegal stash. You make a million dollars and it's gone in a flash. Lacey: They sound like a weasel caught in a chainsaw. Paul: No, they don't. Lacey: Well, they sound like some small animal caught in some kinda machinery. Hank: You can have your morals... Lacey: I thought you said they were good. Paul: No, I said I loved them. They're hysterical! Hank: I'm playing real hard but this ain't no game. You can have your morals I'll take money and fame. You may think you're better but we're all the same. Oscar: Sounds like a muskrat caught in thresher. Davis: Kinda. Really bad drumming, don't ya think? The drums? Amateurish. Emma: I can't hear ya. It's too loud. Well, at least the drumming's good. Oscar: Not my cuppa tea. Davis: Not a fan of rock 'n roll, eh? Oscar: It's just too derivative of the heavy glam rock of the eighties. Emma: Totally. Oscar: Play some B.T.O. or somethin'! Hank: Money and fame. You may think you're better but we're all the same. Teenage Boy: This decibel level could cause permanent damage. Teenage Girl: Let's go somewhere fun like the library. Hank: Playing real hard but this ain't no game. What are ya doin', man? That's the thing that makes us loud. Wanda: Well, don't lose him with the technical mumbo jumbo. Davis: Sorry. Had a noise complaint. Gotta shut ya down. I'll need to take those sticks, ma'am. Karen: Pig! Davis: What? What did you say to me? Brent: Hey, the man here says that we can't rock anymore. Are we gonna take that, Dog River? Well, are we gonna take that? They seem fine with taking it. Fitzy: And so today we reveal the town plaque that will give tourists a little history of this place we call home, Dog River. Emma: Did it take you long to write up the blurb? Lacey: It came together quicker than I thought it would. Brent: How did early pioneers have an aerial view? Lacey: They had balloons. Category:Transcripts